Late Apologies
by xx - - - - - mistarr f u z z
Summary: "I'm sorry - Light-kun, more than anything, I'm sorry you'll never know how truly sorry I really am." One shot, slight L x Light, no lemon. L's thought process through the moments preceding his death. Image C Slypht-Finalkey.


I can't help but wonder what might've happened if we had met under different circumstances. Maybe I could've saved him. Perhaps, if I had gotten to him early enough, if I had recognized his talents before he found the notebook, if I had made contact with him - but it's too late for that now. I still have no doubt that he is Kira, and if I am correct, I have no choice but to serve justice. It's the only option I have.

The bells have been ringing all day. It seemed inevitable, especially taking into consideration the nature of this case, that they'd toll for me eventually. And it's only appropriate that it should be raining today, when it was sunny the day I met him. Because I've known. I've known all along that it would come to this. L and Kira can not exist in the same world together. It is simply inconceivable. One was bound to overcome the other eventually - and, at least on some level, I'm glad that the tables were turned on me this time. Too bad Lawliet and Light Yagami had to be dragged into this, too.

By now, the bells have drawn me on to the roof. It must be afternoon, but I don't know for sure, and I don't really care. My sense of time has always been a bit... warped, but perhaps that will work to my advantage today. I don't want to know when it's going to happen - it being, of course, what ever catastrophic event has set the bells chiming.

I look over, by chance. Light is standing under a concrete awning, near the door. Very uncharacteristic of him, to come looking for me - assuming he was looking for me in the first place. But, then again, it's not like him to be out in the rain, anyway. Make that seven-

_No. No, that's all over._

Light's challenging stare immobilizes me - but not for the regular reasons, today. Usually it's for the determination, the fire, the sheer unmeasurable will power. But there's something new in that honey gaze. Confusion. Not just at me - at everything. I'm taken aback - inwardly, of course. Outwardly I'm the same as I always am, but inside... what could have Light so torn? It's not like him. None of this is like him. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was planning a suicide, or a murder. Hah. Ironic.

_What's wrong with you, Light-kun?_

After a few minutes of just looking at each other, passively fighting, like we have always done, even in so simple an exchange, he asks me something - but I can't hear him over the rain, the bells, the crushing echo of impending disaster, my own thumping heart, creating a crescendo that will open the skies and prepare us for the main event.

Whatever that may be.

I hold my hand up to my ear. For some reason, voice is beyond me. I am overwhelmed, by something. I'm not sure what it is.

He cups his hands around his mouth, as if it will effect how the sound carries, despite the weather. But he knows better. He's intelligent - a genius, actually. He should know that in this weather, the sound waves will distort regardless. But, somehow, I hear him anyway. "What are you doing standing out there all by yourself?"

All by myself? Alone. I've spent so much of my life alone. I've devoted so much time to solving cases, alone. Company is not something I'm accustomed to, other than that provided by Watari - but, as of late, I've had more of it than I know what to do with. I wonder how I will adapt, after this case is over. If I will adapt. If this case ends.

But, for now, I think company is appropriate. I could use a friend, for a few minutes, so I hold my hand against my ear again. This time, I'm grinning.

Light, of course, being the melodramatic megalomaniac that he is, sighs exasperatedly before stepping out from under the visor sheltering him. I watch the water seeping into his collared shirt. Me - well, I'm already soaked through. My toes are numb, and I'm quite sure my fingers are, too, although determining this for sure would require further analysis.

"What are you doing, Ryuzaki?"

This time, he catches me by surprise. Light Yagami is the only person who can catch me by surprise, and that is a fact. For once, he sounds genuinely curious. His voice lacks the cold calculation I've come to expect. Is this what he would sound like, had the notebook never been dropped? Would this be the tone he used all the time?

"Oh," I answer, relaxing my shoulders, as if to shrug. "I'm not doing anything in particular. It's just..." I pause. I never pause, but I pause. I can feel the teen's eyes on me, but again, I am surprised. He isn't sizing me up, contemplating ways to break the pillars that support me. He is simply waiting for an answer. Perhaps, just this once, I'll give him one. I may not have another opportunity. "I hear the bell."

As if in response to my admission, the bells toll louder, ringing heavy in my ears, drowning out the thunder and the rain, waves of sound pulsating through my body like a heartbeat. I find myself searching for them in the clouds, but, of course, they are not there, so I turn my eyes back to Light. Perhaps, just this once, he has an answer for me, too. "The bell?"

"Yes." My affirmation seems to surprise him. Odd. "It's been unusually loud today."

He's staring at me as if I've gone mad. Maybe I have gone mad - but so hasn't the world, so why not me? I think I've earned it.

_You've driven me mad, I think, Light-kun. Did you know that?_

The bells in my ears and the buzzing madness in my head are broken by that same neither-cold-nor-calculating voice. "I don't here anything."

"Really? You can't hear it?" I have definitely gone mad. That could be why the bells are ringing, I suppose. I was expecting some more remarkable causation, but I would imagine my pending insanity could be considered a tragedy, to some people. The people I have yet to save. Watari, yes. I wonder if Light would mourn the loss of my faculties. Whatever the reason, the bells are still echoing in my head. "It's been ringing non-stop all day - I find it very distracting. I wonder if it's a church, maybe a wedding, or perhaps a..."

_Funeral._

My funeral. That's what it is. I die today, don't I? After all the time I've put into this case, this will be the day that Kira kills me. I steal a glance at Light. No wonder he's so peaceful today. He's won. This war is over.

_What a relief._

"What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?" Light looks as if he could be worried. Like any normal teenager, confronting a friend on the roof in the rain. "C'mon, cut it out, let's get back inside."

_You would've been an incredible detective, Light-kun. Have I ever told you? I would have had you as my successor. Two Ls, tackling the world. And it would have been ours, too. We could have made this life a better one to live in._

I choose this moment to study my feet. "I'm sorry. Nothing I say makes any sense, anyway - if I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it." My toes are wide, I'm realizing. It's not something I've ever noticed. But there they are, wide across the knuckle, and surprisingly clean under the nails, for the amount of time I spend barefoot. I don't think I've ever stopped to look at them. I've always been so focused on what's in front of me.

Light laughs, and in it, my attention is recaptured. "Y'know," he says, and the laughter still rings in his voice, just as the bells still ring in my ears, "you're totally right. Honestly, most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense. There'd be no end to my troubles if I actually took you seriously all the time - I probably know that better than anyone." His smile warms me considerably. I would wager a guess that it's one of the reason he's so popular with women. He has quite the smile.

"Yes," I agree, joining in his playful tease, "I would say that's a fair assessment. But I could say the same about you."

The teen seems amused with this response. It makes me want to smile, too. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I want to continue this childish exchange, but my better nature gets to me. It was a delicate arrangement, anyway - moments like this always are. There are times when Light and I could almost look like friends, on the outside; but it's so fragile. I have a talent for shattering the seconds we steal like this. "Tell me, Light," I ask, and I can see the shift behind his irises, "from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point when you've actually told the truth?"

Something in him changes. I knew something would. It's always like this. "Where is this coming from, Ryuzaki?"

_There you are, Kira-kun._ The calculation has seeped back into his voice, and the bells drown out whatever his is saying - because, no matter how perfect his defense, I know that this is just another lie. I'm watching his lips move, but I can't hear the words. I don't have to. The meaning is clear enough on its own. "I had a feeling you'd say something like that."

_When are you going to kill me, Light-kun? Are you going to make it look like an accident? No. You're too stylish for that. I'm sure you're planning something more exciting. You'll give me a chance to put up a fight. Thank you, for that. You know I would never want to die lying down._

"Let's go back inside - we're both drenched." I shuffle my wide-toed feet back toward the door. Funny, how, when I should feel fear, or anger, I feel at peace, too.

I can hear Light's footsteps behind my own. "Yeah."

* * *

I find Light sitting on the stairs. For once, I don't see Kira, sitting there. It see Light. It's amazing, to me, that, now, when he is more Kira than he ever was, I can finally view him and only view him as the teenager that he is. I hope, when he kills me, I still see him like this. I would rather die at the hands of my first-ever friend than at the pen of my last-ever enemy. "Well," I say, "that was certainly an unpleasant outing."

He stops toweling his hair, for a moment, to look up at me. It always amazes me, that there are people alive who can towel dry their hair. I've never been able to towel dry my hair. I have far too much of it. The towel on my head is more of a formality than anything. "It's your own fault," Light finally says, almost in reprimand. "I mean, what did you expect?"

"You're right. Sorry." I glance down, and this time, my gaze is met with Light's feet. I've never seen Light's feet. They look entirely different from mine. Tan, slender, perhaps a bit longer. And a bit damp. Because I am certain I will never have the chance again, I seat myself comfortably a few steps below them and put my towel to a more beneficial use.

Apparently, this isn't a social norm. Light looks surprised. "Wh-what are you doing?"

"I thought I might help you out," I answer, softly. I rub some of the moisture off into the fabric between my fingers. "You were busy wiping yourself off anyway."

"Look, it's fine, you don't have to do that." Is he uncomfortable? It seems that way. Perhaps he's feeling guilty. No, Light doesn't feel guilt. Only satisfaction. If there's no satisfaction in an action, he doesn't take it. I would imagine my death would be very satisfying to Kira. I wonder why he's waited until today.

_You don't need to feel guilty, Light-kun. If anything, I should feel guilty. I could have fixed you. I've fixed worse. I could have saved you, but I never thought to. All I could think about was taking down Kira. I'm sorry for that._

"I can give you a massage as well? It's the least I can do to atone for my sins -

_I'm sorry that this is all I can do now to make it up to you._

" - I'm actually pretty good at this."

_I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I'm new to this. But you know that._

"Fine," Light says begrudgingly, looking away from me. "Do what you want." I can tell he's only agreeing to sate me. Even as he's preparing to kill me, he is a better friend than I.

"Alright." I move to start, but I've barely moved my thumb before Light begins to protest. He really is a drama queen. "You'll get used to it," I assure him, and start again. He doesn't flinch so violently this time. The bells are pealing even louder, now, dinging in my skull, crashing behind my eardrums. I think I am almost ready for them to quiet, but for now, they are comforting. Familiar. I'm glad I have them with me, now. Light and the bell - two things in my life that I can always count on remaining consistent. I'm too distracted by its pleasant ring to notice that my hair has begun to drip.

Light notices. "Here," he offers, quieter than I remember ever hearing him. "You're still soaked." I can feel his towel dabbing at the ends of the black mess atop my head, and, miraculously, the dripping stops. I wonder why it will dry for him, but not for me. Maybe, in the next life, I'll ask him. As it is, I'm not going to waste this one with such stupid questions.

"I'm sorry."

_I'm sorry it had to end this way. I'm sorry I ever became L. I've never been sorry to be a detective before - but if I hadn't have been L, I'm sure this could have ended differently, between you and I. We're such similar creatures. I think we could have been friends - real friends. We could have gone to movies. I've never been to a public movie. It's something I'd always wanted to do. Maybe you would've liked me more, if I wasn't L. I'm sorry for that, too. I'm sorry I'm not more personable. Saying goodbye would be so much easier if I was. I'm sorry I won't see you graduate. I'm sorry I won't see you become the great detective I know you could be. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to renounce Kira for good. I never gave you that opportunity, did I? I should've. Maybe then it could've been a happy ending. All I did was egg you on. I challenged you. I made it worse. I suppose, in a way, this is my fault, too. I made you this way. I'm sorry. If I could do it over again, I would. I would make you understand. I would be as patient as I had to, if it meant we could have put this all behind us. I would've waited forever. I'm sorry - Light-kun, more than anything, I'm sorry you'll never know how truly sorry I really am._

"It'll be lonely, won't it?"

Light-kun looks confused, for the second time today, and I'm reminded that he's still just a teenager, when he isn't Kira. "Huh?"

I smile a little. I wish it would stay like this. "You and I will be parting ways, soon."

_But don't worry. You'll be fine. You have Misa, and you could make friends with anybody. I know you won't miss me. That's okay. I don't think I was ever that much a friend to you. But you were a friend to me. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I wasn't lying. You're the only friend I've ever had, Light-kun, and you won't miss me, but I'll miss you. I'll be alone again. If anyone were to kill me, I'm glad it's you. I wouldn't trust my heart - beating or not - to anyone else._

My phone rings, and the moment shatters, just like the one on the roof. Reluctantly, I step back. I am still alive, which means I still have a job to do. Maybe I can save you, yet. Maybe I still have a chance. I flip my phone open. "Yes?"

"Ryuzaki," comes Watari's voice, "I have been in contact with the head of a maximum security prison in Russia who has agreed to your terms. Furthermore, I have found an inmate who is willing to test the notebook. I've already arranged a conference in the lobby with the other members of the task force."

"I understand, I'm on my way." I hang up, and turn my eyes back to the teen in front of me.

_Just give me one more try._

"C'mon, let's go Light," I say, beckoning him forward as I turn and begin my decent. "It seems like it's all worked out."

"Hmm?" I can hear his skepticism behind me, but I don't turn to it. For a few minutes, the bells are bated.

_Please. Just let me try._

* * *

Matsuda, per usual, is looking equal parts riled up and perplexed. I believe these are the only emotions I've ever seen on him - excepting, perhaps, his unsettling adoration of Misa Amane. "Ryuzaki? What's the meaning of all this? You've somehow gotten approval from another country to use the notebook for an execution?"

As much as I would like to tell Matsuda to please, be quiet until you know what you're talking about, I opt to ignore him. I feel my time for talking is running short, and I'd prefer not to waste it on correcting this particular man's behavior. "Watari," I say instead, "excellent work, thank you."

"Not at all," comes his reply over the speakers. Ah, Watari. You, I can also count on. Perhaps soon you will be able to retire and return to your inventions.

"First things first, please make arrangements to transport the notebook immediately."

"Right." Watari. Ever efficient.

Light, I believe, has caught on. The gears are turning. "Ryuzaki," he asks, and I can hear the processor whirring in his head, "what are you trying to do?"

_Patience, Light-kun. Give me just a little bit longer._ "I'm gonna try out the notebook for real."

A round of gasps. I suppose I should have expected this - but really, is it so surprising? Proper investigators test murder weapons all the time - guns through gelatin molds or slabs of pork, poison on rats. This isn't so different.

"We can't do that!" Aizawa is the first to object, of course. No shocks there. "There's no point in testing it now, when we already know the notebook's power is real!"

"And besides," Matsuda adds, "who's gonna right the name? If someone starts writing in the notebook, they'll have to obey the thirteen day rule and keep writing names forever!"

"It's already been worked out." Quiet, Matsuda. You don't know what you're talking about. "The person who will write the name is a criminal schedule to be executed in just over thirteen days. If he's still alive thirteen days after writing the name, he'll be pardoned." This is my one chance to know. Light's innocence has not been proven yet, but if this goes through, then perhaps -

"But still, to sacrifice a life -"

"We are very close!" I shout, for once, losing my temper. Soichiro, Matsuda, Aizawa - none of them quite understand. This is not over. There are other notebooks. The Yotsuba group were not the first to use it - the only way to solve this case is to trace it back to its original owner. If that was Light, I may yet be able to convince him to confess. A plea deal, perhaps, before the thirteen days are up. I can save you, yet. Just cooperate, Light-kun, please. It's not so hard. "If we work this out, the entire case will be solved!"

And, with impeccable timing, it all goes to hell.

Firstly, the power flashes. Quickly. Horror movie style. Flashy - and a pun, too. Ever clever, Light-kun. But couldn't you have given me a chance?

But then it occurs to me. By now, Watari should have delivered a report. He hasn't said a word. Is he a target? I never considered. I should have.

"Watari?"

The screens go blank.

_My God._

"Data deletion?" Aizawa's voice sounds particularly far away. "What the hell is going on?"

"I told Watari..." My voice is shaking, despite my efforts at control. This was not part of the plan. This is too far. Too much. I have lost my parents, and now Kira has taken away the closest thing I have had since. "To make sure that he should erase all information, in the event that something were to happen to him."

Aizawa is the first to catch on. "If something were to happen..."

"Could it be?" Matsuda asks.

I want to mourn. For the first time I can remember, I would like to cry. I would very much like to cry. But I don't have time. Light has stepped over the line. No one is safe. But how did he do it?

And then it clicks. "Where is the shinigami?"

Soichiro, ever quick, makes the same realization. "Good question! I don't see it!"

"It disappeared..." Aizawa is coming around.

"What's going on?" Soichiro demands. But there is no time for an answer.

_Quick. I must be quick. Light-kun, why would you go this far? I thought it was just you and me._ "Everyone! The shiniga-"

Pain. Crippling pain. I don't think I have ever felt a pain so thorough as this. It's coursing through ever muscle in my body. Every nerve. Am I dying? I suppose. I believe I'm falling. And the bells. The bells have returned, their heartless tolls casting blankets over my vision in grades.

But I can see Light. And I can see his grin. And I can feel his arms, and his heartbeat on my shoulder, and vaguely, I am aware that mine has seized and disappeared.

_Ah. So this is it, then. And you are Kira, aren't you? I knew. I always did. I suppose I should've acted sooner. But, you know, Light-kun, I'm glad I didn't. I don't think I could have killed you. I couldn't have signed your death warrant. I have never been conflicted when it comes to justice, but when it comes to you, Light-kun, I am never sure what separates what is truly right and what I'd like to be right. No, I am certain that I couldn't have killed you. You are too dear to me. You really are my only friend. I wish I could tell you - I would, if it weren't for this exhaustion weighing on my eyes. I don't remember the last time I have felt so tired - but then, nor do I remember the last time I had a full night's sleeping. I'll be doing an awful lot of sleeping now. I'm so tired, Light-kun. Just let me close my eyes. Just for a moment. And then I'll tell you. I'll make sure you know, before I die, exactly how much you mean to me. It's colorful, here, in your arms. Like floating. And colors, colors everywhere. But none so bright as the amber, the soft color I've come to identify with you. I hope this color stays. I promise, Light-kun, if you'll make this color stay, if you won't let go of me, that no matter how much you hate me, I'll always be your friend. And if you don't forget me, I promise I'll wait here. And when you come, I'll tell you exactly how much I need you. Don't take too long. It's so nice, here. And warm._

* * *

Whoops, went and forgot to write an author's note! Anyway, this is a story that's been in the back of my mind for a long time, and I've finally had time to write down. I actually went through this episode of the anime and copied down the script, so I could be sure to get it right :) Hopefully you enjoyed it! I'd like to get back into writing fan fiction - actually, I have another Matt x Mello going that had been long delayed and that I'd like to continue. Any thoughts? Please, R&R!


End file.
